Before I begin this article, I need to clarify: I am not an anti-vaccination parent. My children have had their MMR, DPT, Tetanus and other vaccines, minus the flu vaccine, only because every time the kids have gotten it in the past, it’s made them sicker than hell. My son even received a $3900 RSV vaccination back in 1999.

I may not be an anti-vacc parent, but that doesn’t mean I’m not cautiously pessimistic about new vaccinations and things physicians want to inject into my children.

That being said, I want to talk about Gardasil.

A friend of mine has been with the CDC for many years and I consider her not only an honest person, but a protective friend. So naturally, when my son’s doctor suggested we give him the HPV vaccine Gardasil when he was 14, I called her before I made my decision.

She responded with a question for me. “Are you fµ¢king crazy?”

Well that was enough for me, but before you decide on whether or not to give your children the anti-HPV vaccination Gardasil, consider Julie, a 26-year-old woman who received the shot at the age of 23, and what her life has been like for the past three years:

My symptoms since the Gardasil vaccination are: Paralysis, gait disturbances, paresthesia, hypersensitivity to sound and touch, whole-body shakes, tremors, stiffness and pain in joints, feet and hands turning purple and blue, adrenal insufficiency, endocrine problems, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, hyperventilation, uncontrollable laughing or crying, low blood sugar, sensitivity to smell and chemicals, hot/cold intolerance, loss of appetite, pelvic pain, overactive bladder, chest pain, chest palpitations, shortness of breath, swollen glands, memory loss and memory gaps, confusion, hair loss, lightheadedness, blackouts, and a fatigue so extreme that it is hard to do simple daily tasks.

My physical symptoms have been tough to deal with, but the emotional and mental turmoil that all of this has put me through has been even harder to deal with. The once free spirit is now afraid of life. I’m afraid that if I drive, I may fall asleep at the wheel because of how confused and fatigued I can get. I’m also afraid to drive or be alone because my legs may stop working.  I’m afraid of going to any social events or traveling because of germs. I get sick at a minimum of once a month with a cold or virus, and every time I get sick it sets my progress back at least a month.  I was once very independent, but I am now completely dependent on my husband. I was once full of energy but now I fatigue taking a shower. The girl who once craved adventure and anything outdoors is now afraid to go outside due to newly developed severe allergies. When I get allergies, it flares up my already overactive immune system, and all of my symptoms come on stronger.

That is not even the most painful part.  The most difficult and painful thing to deal with is to think about all of the things I could be doing with my life if I were not ill. Maybe I would have finished school, started my own personal training business, or even started a family with my husband. I watch everyone else live out their lives while I sit at home sick every day.  Some people are making their dreams come true, and, unfortunately, some are wasting the precious gift they were given. I crave life every day, but I am unable to live it right now because of how fatigued and weak I am. Gardasil has placed me in a jail inside my own body. I no longer dream of the future because I don’t know if my body will ever allow me to make those dreams come true.